CHUCK NORRIS TO PLAY EDWARD CULLEN IN TWILIGHT 6

(Hollywood) Chuck Norris has been selected to take over the lead role of Edward Cullen in the Twilight series. Norris has already refused to shave for the role.

The switch was made after Robert Pattinson was given the boot following his surprise marriage with Taylor Lautner who played the werewolf Jacob Black in the famous movie series. Both Pattinson and Lautner have been charged with breach of contract and will be defending a lawsuit against their action. The gay relationship had never surfaced until a group of Chinese tourists spotted Pattinson and Lautner making out on a deserted Thai beach.

A replacement for Lautner has not yet been named. However, there is ongoing speculation that Eddie Murphy or Rob Schneider may take over the role of Jacob Black. Some Hollywood analysts believe that Murphy is a more likely candidate due to the character’s name.

Pattinson claimed that constantly playing a semi-gay 200-year old vampire dating a characterless teenage girl made him realize he was not straight. Lautner, however, is already known for his past relationship with Ashton Kutcher.

Mark Morgan and Karen Rosenfelt, former producers of the series, have taken up the negotiations with Norris to ensure that he shaves before the shooting starts by the end of the year.

On the other hand, writer-director, Quentin Tarantino, who recently got nominated against his own will to direct Twilight 6, is reportedly admitted in the hospital. Properganda correspondent, Nadia investigated the occurrence and found out that Tarantino had a mild form of a nervous breakdown. Close friends of the critically acclaimed writer attribute his breakdown to his nomination for Twilight 6.

Stay tuned for more on the story.

QUENTIN TARANTINO TO DIRECT TWILIGHT 6

(Hollywood) The renowned writer-director, Quentin Tarantino, will be directing a surprise sixth and final part of the famous Twilight series.

The Twilight Saga was originally a series of five fantasy films from Summit Entertainment based on the four Twilight series novels by the American author Stephenie Meyer. Tarantino was selected to direct the movie through an “un-lucky draw” as no Hollywood director was willing to take up the daunting task. The unlucky draw ceremony took place at the end of the Oscar awards ceremony, and was not aired due to time constraints.

Tarantino was surprised after the unexpected announcement. When Properganda reporter Nadia asked about his feelings, he said, “I…umm…”

The unlucky draw was hosted by Hollywood great Steven Seagal who picked Tarantino’s card amid a bowl full of directors’ names. Christopher Nolan, one of the contenders for the job, reportedly kissed the man next to him with the joy of losing the opportunity.

Tarantino’s prominent films include Reservoir Dogs (1992), Pulp Fiction (1994), Jackie Brown (1997), Kill Bill (2003, 2004), Death Proof (2007), Inglourious Basterds (2009), and Django Unchained (2012).

ZUBAIDA AAPA’S “WHITE IS MIGHT” TO CLASH WITH “KAALA IS ALAA” GROUP

(Karachi) In a twisted tale of events, Zubaida Aapa has launched a new skin-whitening soap, carefully formulated to make Pakistan brighter, one skin-tone at a time. With all natural ingredients including pixie dust, the blood of a beautiful singing virgin and the sweat of a unicorn’s underarm, the new soap has hit the market so hard it has put all competition to shame; in more ways than one.

Following rapid distribution and purchasing, consumer reports are off the charts, but so is the soap off the shelves. According to Properganda correspondent, Nadia, the missing soaps have been secretly procured by Indian superstars Kajol Devgan and Priyanka Chopra in the thousands.

In a recent interview to Properganda’s very bright Nadia, a frustrated young lad from Karachi has collaborated with his father’s ‘NGO’ to start an all Pakistan ‘Kaala is Aala’ movement. USAID has been reportedly directed by US President Barack Obama to fund the movement.

The youth and “rishta-aunties” alike are very concerned. An unnamed “rishta aunty” told Properganda that Aapa’s soap will put them out of business. “If all the black girls turn into white girls, then who will consult us? This is outrageous!”, the aunty said. The lad from Karachi, who was born to parents who got married through a “rishta aunty”, has asked the “rishta aunties” to support his Kaala is Aala” movement.

Aapa’s spokesperson has addressed the nation in a press conference clarifying that the supply of the soap will be back up. A current hurdle in the production is the migration of the unicorns to more polar regions owing to Pakistani weather.

Man claiming to be president arrested

(Islamabad) A man claiming to be the president of Pakistan was arrested outside the presidential residence for trespassing. The police officer who made the arrest told our news correspondent Nadia, who was strolling around in the gardens of the Presidential palace at the time of the incident, that he saw the man stalking, following and eyeing her through the bushes.

When the police officer asked the man for identification he said, “I’m the president”. The police officer further inquired as to which organization he was the president of, to which the man stated, “Of the bloody country!” Upon the police officer’s demand for identification, the man claimed he did not need to carry identification in his own house.

The police believe that the suspect was obviously delusional. When the suspect got hostile along with his delusional claims, and after calling the policeman a “bloody idiot” and reaching for what turned out to be a Q-Mobile that he won on Amir Liaqat’s show, he was beaten and arrested”.  When Properganda correspondent Nadia asked why he had to beat an unarmed man, the policeman replied that he had figured that the cell phone was won from Amir Liaqat’s show, and that was enough of a reason to beat the living daylights out of anyone who has ever ventured that close to the plumber-turned-disco mullah.

The suspect who is believed to be mentally ill and suffering serious delusions is now under police custody and is scheduled to be shifted to the psyche ward.

Islamabad has been put under high alert after the incident. Rehman Malik (ex-interior minister) in a telephonic conversation with our news correspondent Nadia said “the authorities should block the mobile signals in the twin cities for two months. Okay, bye.”

The name of the suspect according to his ID card that Nadia got hold of, is ‘Mamnoon Hussain’.

Meanwhile things go smoothly in the capital city of Islamabad other than the traffic at the airport that has been temporarily halted as the Prime Minister’s ‘paye’- arrive for his breakfast via a private jet from Lahore.

ZAHID HAMID CLAIMS RIGHT ON IRON THRONE

(BREAKING NEWS)

(King’s Landing) Properganda correspondent, Nadia, currently stationed outside the gates of King’s Landing has reported that Syed Zaiduzzaman Hamid, better known as Zaid Hamid, has surrounded the city with a huge army.

Hamid, who was yelling over a megaphone around the city, proclaimed his bloodline to House Baratheon, and his right on the Iron Throne.

Nadia reports that there is great chaos at the royal capital of Westeros and the Seven Kingdoms, as Hamid has surrounded the city with 500 ships, 50,000 men, 7 women, 20,000 horses, and 17 dragons.

“I hereby proclaim my right to the Iron Throne! So what if I am a Muslim? By the grace of the Almighty, my ancestors converted to Islam. That does not mean that our bloodline to the House Baratheon is rendered null and void”, Hamid yelled with his usual over-enthusiasm over the megaphone as he circled the city on one of his dragons.

Upon learning about Hamid’s march to take over King’s Landing, Imran Khan and Dr. Tahir ul Qadri have declared a ‘dharna’ at D-Chowk in the coming week.

(Stay tuned to Properganda for updates)

RESEARCH FINDS ‘NASWAAR’ ENHANCES VISION

(Peshawar) According to a latest research from the scientists in Waziristan, consuming ‘naswaar’ can enhance vision by up to 48.21% and can also boost metabolism rates by a whopping 69.99%. Head Scientist Dr. Albert Khanstein hailed it as the breakthrough to optical medicine.

Used widely by men and women of all ages, ‘naswaar’ is considered the hottest item on the domestic market for successful moon sightings for the months of Ramadan, Shawaal and Zil-Hajj. Chairman Mufti Muneeb-ur-Rehman of the Ruet-e-Hilal Committee immediately admitted the use of the dark green magic powder by the committee members right after the research was released. The Chairman also confessed the distribution of free ‘naswar’ to local people one day before every important moon sighting.

With scientific evidence taking up the social media by storm and a hit single by pop sensation Taher Shah, Amrood Khan, a local who trades Chappal Kabab Masalha and Leprechauns with an anonymous party in the UK, is ready to make it big. With a factory already set up, Khan has decided to bottle the now medicinal ‘naswaar’ in tablets and export them to the UK and Dubai under the name of ‘Maxim-Eyes’.

“Take one tablet every three hours with water or pop 10 of these babies in your mouth and blast the Hell off.” Khan said in an interview to Properganda correspondent Nadia. The bottles’ label reads that the consumers should use the pills in numbers depending on how much of a rocket ride they want. “Pregnant women and children under 5 shouldn’t use the pills unless of course, they really want to. However, if the rest of you wash down 20 of them, you will see the other end of the cosmos and back. They will also see the Truth and become one with it.”

The label also advises not to use the pills with alcohol unless the consumers want to softly float around the house.

(contributed by Muhammad Haris Koreshi)

— with Dr. Albert Khanstein.

AMIR LIAQAT ARRESTED IN NIGHT CLUB RAID

(Islamabad) In a surprise raid by the local police at a night club in the outskirts of the federal capital, Dr. Amir Liaqat, the former plumber-turned-PhD, was arrested. According to police officials, he was found to be displaying the “sufi moonwalk” amid the attendants at the liberal dance party.

The converted Muslim later claimed to have been drugged and that he had no idea how he had gotten to that place. Police recovered 134 bottles of liquor, 12 kilograms of hash from the party, and the DVD of the movie “Ghalib” from Mr. Liaqat’s possession as a result of the raid. Other prominent figures arrested were Fatima Bhutto and Begum Nawazish Ali.

A man who was among the arrested, disclosed on condition of anonymity that Sir Altaf Hussain was also attending the party via video phone.

However, the party’s alleged host, Maulana Fazl ur Rehman, is said to have escaped just 5 minutes before the raid.

Disclaimer: The report of Altaf Hussain’s presence is exactly as claimed by the source, and has nothing to do with Properganda or its staff. Just so that MQM knows

PTA DECIDES TO BAN INTERNET

(Islamabad) The Pakistan Telecommunications Authority has decided to ban the internet in Pakistan. The decision was based on massive inconvenience caused by individually banning every other website for no reason.

In an interview by Properganda correspondent, Nadia, Chairman PTA Dr. Syed Ismail Shah said that the department was facing grave concerns with tapping all the individual websites it was constantly blocking. “The logs and information was getting too complicated to handle. We do not have the number of staff required to constantly monitor suspicious websites. Therefore, we at PTA decided to ban the whole internet once and for all,” Shah said.

Maulana Fazal ur Rehman of Muttahida Majlis-e-Amal, voiced his party’s full support for the ban and claimed that the decision is for the best interest of the nation against immoral and over-educating material on the web.